I don’t know what I ate this weekend, but I've got this weird hallucination that my editor asked me to put together an everyday-carry kit for a raccoon. Fine then. Roll out the trash bin behind Gino’s and let’s see what’s in it...Wait, I didn’t listen to the rest of the voicemail. I guess it’s for a talking raccoon. That defends the galaxy from evil. Well, I’m not paid to ask questions, so here we go:
1. Dainese Assen Perforated Race Suit ($999.95)
All right, I did my pop-culture research. Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy is a pretty rad little critter with a love of large-caliber weapons and a tactical mindset. Someone check Col. Jeff Cooper’s garbage can, because something’s leaking in there, and it’s only a matter of time before we get an Operator Opossum.
To start this kit, Rocket Raccoon needs a bomb jumpsuit that stands up to the rough life of a galaxy warfighter. Motorcycle-racing jumpsuits prevent high-speed riders from finishing life as a skidmark, so they’re probably not a bad option for absorbing pulse blasts, lasers and other space-y type things. Plus, this one is made by Dainese Assen, which sounds like it could be a galactic-mercenary corporation from Xelon 5, so it fits in well with the theme. (Note: Searching “leather bodysuits for raccoons” on a work computer leads to a carefully-worded e-mail from HR.)
Click here for more!
2. JetPack Aviation JB10 Jetpack ($250,000)
Well, “rocket” is in the name, so you kinda have to have some sort of personal propulsion system, right? Enter the JB-10 Jetpack from JetPack Aviation, bringing flight to the flightless for a cool quarter-million a pop. This strap-on pack lifts humans up to 1,000 feet for 10 minutes, so imagine the possibilities with a crime-fighting raccoon! I know what you’re thinking. At first, I thought that price was steep, too, but after a night of experimentation involving several ground squirrels, some duct tape, bottle rockets and a fair amount of liver lubrication, I’ve determined that paying $250,000 is better than living with the memories. The horrible, horrible memories. Click here for more!
3. Soviet TP-82 Space Pistol ($ Unknown)
OK, so I have to admit that there doesn’t seem to be a ready supply of these on the market, so technically I'm cheating because my editor requested that the items be available for sale to the public. (I'll allow it.--ed.) But people. This is an honest-to-god, bona-fide, government-issue, SPACE. PISTOL. Of course it’s from the Russians, and not just any Russians. Space-faring Marxists, at that. The unorthodox triple-barrel design seems like it was built exactly to the hastily scribbled specifications from a drunk Politburo chief. (Urhhhh…yes! It vill be space peestol for Glorious Russia! Viz shotgun! No! TWO shotgun! And rifle! And put Capitalist-pig-sticking machete in stock! But is peestol!)
4. FightLite Industries MCR Belt-Fed AR-15 Upper Receiver ($3,822)
Rocket Raccoon seems to be a fan of what some people might consider “excessive firepower.” Those people are wrong. For the rocket-raccoon types in our world, FightLite Industries makes a neat addition for any AR-15. Some might call it a barrel-warmer. Others might call it a money-burner. But let’s refer to it by its scientific name: a motor-scootin’, tingle-inducing Rambo machine. This belt-fed AR-15 upper receiver uses M249 Squad Automatic Weapon belt links, allowing users to have the most awesome range day ever. Just load in the ammo, slap that top cover like a battle-hardened warrior, and go to town on those nefarious pop bottles and tin cans. Click here for more info!
5. Lahti 20mm L-39 Anti-Tank Rifle ($9999.99; Class III item)
Back before WWII, when sensible Finnish military officers were crowded around a table, deciding how to build a 13mm tank-killing rifle, a guy named Aimo Lahti kicked open the conference-room doors, nearly-empty fifth of vodka in hand, and let loose a string of incomprehensible slurs, curses and something about moose in a barn (probably). The military officers nodded knowingly, promptly increased the caliber of the rifle to 20mm, and the Lahti L-39 was born. While mobile armor has advanced far beyond anything that can be stopped by the gizzard-trembling power of the 20mm round, I’d bet my left shoe that it’d stop many a galactic ne’er-do-well in their tracks, making it a perfect precision rifle for a talking raccoon. What evidence do I have to back this up? Not a sliver, but what are you going to do? Sic a mercenary raccoon on me?