I hate clowns. I gather that this isn’t much of an unpopular opinion, since clowns portrayed in popular media have tended toward the unhinged.
The latest terrifying clown movie to roll out is It, based on a Stephen King novel. Basically, a group of kids are threatened by a trans-dimensional demon who happens to take the form of a dancing clown named Pennywise. Now, I’m all for personal defense, but 12-year-olds aren’t generally allowed to pack heat, so we’re going to have to improvise a bit here with our EDC kit.
1. Louisville Slugger Youth Baseball Bat ($39.95)
Is there anything that stands up to a good ol’ baseball bat? Talk about your multi-purpose tool! Hittin’ a few homers, chasin’ off home invaders, putting down immortal, otherworldly beings emerging from millions of years in hibernation…all in a day’s work for the classic Louisville Slugger.
Seriously, though. An immortal being born outside of the known universe that feeds on raw fear gets beat on by a teenager with a bat. Is this the Hollywood backlash against trans-dimensional privilege?
2. Obsidian Knife ($59.95)
So, at the end of the movie [SPOILER ALERT], all the members of The Losers Club swear a blood oath to battle this psychotic clown/spider thing if It comes back again. Listen, I’m all for blood oaths, but there’s a way to do these things, and using some trash beer-bottle shard in a sewer is so uncultured. Come on, people. Zero class.
Thankfully, my extensive knowledge of blood oathing can set future oath-taking straight. Seriously, I’m an expert. I’ve taken so many blood oaths that I’m a little lightheaded right now. But practice makes perfect, and this obsidian blade makes it much more classy and legit.
3. RAID Can ($9.28)
You know, maybe I’m being too simplistic here, but this thing is basically a giant outer-space spider, right? RAID that sucker! Now, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “Come on, Evan. RAID? Seriously? It’s been alive for millions of years, battling against the creators of the universe. How stupid.”
Yeah, well, I’m not the one who wrote a film where this supposedly immortal, superior being gets his butt handed to him by a kid with a training bat, so take it up with Director Andy Muschietti.
4. 1933 President Franklin Roosevelt Framed Inaugural Address ($795)
All right, maybe RAID won’t work. Can you blame a guy for trying? However, one thing that we’re sure of is that Pennywise terrorizes kids because, apparently, fear salts human meat (Turns out I’ve been using all that salt for nothing.).
So, if we make ourselves unpalatable to these otherworld beings, then problem solved, right? And who’s our go-to historical figure against battling fear? FDR, of course. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” What a guy. And if just hearing those words doesn’t make you believe in them, then investing $795 on a framed copy of his famous speech probably will. Right? I mean, I learned from the U.S. government that throwing money at problems solves them.
5. Giant Aldabra Tortoise ($11,995)
I promise, this makes sense. Bear with me. For those in the know on Stephen King lore (or with a rudimentary 3-minute search on Wikipedia), Pennywise battles an ancient being called “The Turtle.” Basically, it’s a giant turtle (Who knew?) that possibly vomited out the universe after a stomach ache.
Dude, I sympathize. Been there. Except my universe exists behind Billy’s Bar and came into existence at about 3 a.m.
Anyway, if Pennywise is locked in battle with a giant universe-spewing turtle, then a Giant Aldabra Tortoise will probably make him run shrieking in horror, fearful that Maturin has shown up in super-concentrated form. Probably.
Unfortunately, giant land tortoises are pretty hard to conceal in an everyday-carry kit, so you’ll probably have to wear one in an outside-the-waistband holster.