Fun Friday: "Guardians of the Galaxy" EDC

by
posted on October 22, 2021
istock-space-raccoon.jpg

I don’t know what I ate this weekend, but I've got this weird hallucination that my editor asked me to put together an everyday-carry kit for a raccoon. Fine then. Roll out the trash bin behind Gino’s and let’s see what’s in it...Wait, I didn’t listen to the rest of the voicemail. I guess it’s for a talking raccoon. That defends the galaxy from evil. Well, I’m not paid to ask questions, so here we go:

1. Dainese Assen Perforated Race Suit ($999.95)

All right, I did my pop-culture research. Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy is a pretty rad little critter with a love of large-caliber weapons and a tactical mindset. Someone check Col. Jeff Cooper’s garbage can, because something’s leaking in there, and it’s only a matter of time before we get an Operator Opossum.
To start this kit, Rocket Raccoon needs a bomb jumpsuit that stands up to the rough life of a galaxy warfighter. Motorcycle-racing jumpsuits prevent high-speed riders from finishing life as a skidmark, so they’re probably not a bad option for absorbing pulse blasts, lasers and other space-y type things. Plus, this one is made by Dainese Assen, which sounds like it could be a galactic-mercenary corporation from Xelon 5, so it fits in well with the theme. (Note: Searching “leather bodysuits for raccoons” on a work computer leads to a carefully-worded e-mail from HR.)
Click here for more!

2. JetPack Aviation JB10 Jetpack ($250,000)

Well, “rocket” is in the name, so you kinda have to have some sort of personal propulsion system, right? Enter the JB-10 Jetpack from JetPack Aviation, bringing flight to the flightless for a cool quarter-million a pop. This strap-on pack lifts humans up to 1,000 feet for 10 minutes, so imagine the possibilities with a crime-fighting raccoon! I know what you’re thinking. At first, I thought that price was steep, too, but after a night of experimentation involving several ground squirrels, some duct tape, bottle rockets and a fair amount of liver lubrication, I’ve determined that paying $250,000 is better than living with the memories. The horrible, horrible memories. Click here for more!

3. Soviet TP-82 Space Pistol ($ Unknown)

OK, so I have to admit that there doesn’t seem to be a ready supply of these on the market, so technically I'm cheating because my editor requested that the items be available for sale to the public. (I'll allow it.--ed.But people. This is an honest-to-god, bona-fide, government-issue, SPACE. PISTOL. Of course it’s from the Russians, and not just any Russians. Space-faring Marxists, at that. The unorthodox triple-barrel design seems like it was built exactly to the hastily scribbled specifications from a drunk Politburo chief. (Urhhhh…yes! It vill be space peestol for Glorious Russia! Viz shotgun! No! TWO shotgun! And rifle! And put Capitalist-pig-sticking machete in stock! But is peestol!)

4. FightLite Industries MCR Belt-Fed AR-15 Upper Receiver ($3,822)

Rocket Raccoon seems to be a fan of what some people might consider “excessive firepower.” Those people are wrong. For the rocket-raccoon types in our world, FightLite Industries makes a neat addition for any AR-15. Some might call it a barrel-warmer. Others might call it a money-burner. But let’s refer to it by its scientific name: a motor-scootin’, tingle-inducing Rambo machine. This belt-fed AR-15 upper receiver uses M249 Squad Automatic Weapon belt links, allowing users to have the most awesome range day ever. Just load in the ammo, slap that top cover like a battle-hardened warrior, and go to town on those nefarious pop bottles and tin cans. Click here for more info!

5. Lahti 20mm L-39 Anti-Tank Rifle ($9999.99; Class III item)

Back before WWII, when sensible Finnish military officers were crowded around a table, deciding how to build a 13mm tank-killing rifle, a guy named Aimo Lahti kicked open the conference-room doors, nearly-empty fifth of vodka in hand, and let loose a string of incomprehensible slurs, curses and something about moose in a barn (probably). The military officers nodded knowingly, promptly increased the caliber of the rifle to 20mm, and the Lahti L-39 was born. While mobile armor has advanced far beyond anything that can be stopped by the gizzard-trembling power of the 20mm round, I’d bet my left shoe that it’d stop many a galactic ne’er-do-well in their tracks, making it a perfect precision rifle for a talking raccoon. What evidence do I have to back this up? Not a sliver, but what are you going to do? Sic a mercenary raccoon on me?


Latest

Colt King Cobra Target
Colt King Cobra Target

Video Review: Colt King Cobra Target Revolver

This precision wheelgun was designed for sharpshooters, but it's versatile enough for so much more.

Wow! New Archery World Record Velvet Mule Deer Crowned

This majestic mule deer in velvet was taken according to Pope & Young's principles of fair chase.

Important Mossberg Product Safety Recall Notice: SA-410 Shotguns

Mossberg has recently discovered a potential safety issue with certain Mossberg International Model SA-410 Shotguns.

How to Spot Dangerous and Dud Ammunition

If the ammunition shortage and price hikes have you looking for alternate ammo sources, here's what you need to know.

Throwback Thursday: Guns of the Hatfield-McCoy Feud

Imagine a family feud so ferocious it left a mark on the language...

4 Fascinating Firearms Seminars at 2022 NRA Annual Meetings & Exhibits

These up-to-the-minute seminars are led by world-renowned instructors and shooters ... and they're all free!

Interests



Get the best of NRA Family delivered to your inbox.