Happy Friday, everyone! It’s your second-favorite Fun Friday EDC author here, back again with some more helpful hints on how to survive killer clowns, morbidly obese worms, or whatever demonic death-knell Hollywood can dream up. Seeing as summer is upon us and vacationers are surfing at dawn and dusk, this week’s choice seems obvious: the 1975 classic that started them all, JAWS. So what can we throw in our everyday carry kit to help us fare better than Robert Shaw against the colossal monster shark? Scroll down to find out...
This one basically writes itself, so I figured I should just get it out of the way. I mean, it’s evident to the point where one has to wonder how it didn’t occur to the characters themselves (oh wait, it did!). But somehow, no one heeded Roy Scheider’s prescient exhortation, so here we are, with your humble writer forced to state the obvious. Buy a bigger boat. Seriously. I’ve seen used Jerry Miculek targets with fewer holes than that termite-ridden barge.
Okay fine. As my highly annoying roommate will doubtless point out (just as he did with my inclusion of the P-51B on the “Tremors” list), no, you can’t technically “carry” a harpoon cannon (shut up Ethan). But, since I’d say it’s a fair assumption that we have to be on a boat to have any chance against 1970s-Sharknado, and boats can carry cannon, this merits inclusion.
But why not a more sensible speargun, or a harpoon gun, you ask? Well, it’s been tried, and the only thing less effective than Robert Shaw hitting Jaws with this Greener Harpoon Gun, was trying to catch him with a rod and reel as if he wasn’t a carnivorous whale-sized fish on steroids*. Explanation completed, enter the Kongberg 90mm Harpoon Cannon.
Really a multipurpose weapon, the Kongberg is equally well-suited for killing Jaws, dragons and small buildings. It fires a 112-pound harpoon tipped with (and no, I am not kidding) hinged barbs and a grenade head. The harpoon hits, the line tightens to deploy the barbs so the harpoon can’t shake loose, and the grenade detonates inside. I’m sorry, I don’t care if you’re an aquatic dinosaur, this one is game over.
What happens if you do end up in the water with Jaws, however? In the big great white’s element, you can be attacked from pretty much any side but up. (No, scratch that, sharks can deal death from above too).
In any case, if you want a fighting chance in the water, you want something that’s reliable and packs a punch. For that, you need a Remington Model 870 Special Purpose Marine Magnum. With electroless nickel plating, and utilizing the classically reliable pump-action design, the only way this 12-gauge won’t work is if you forget to load it. Throw in some slugs and make yourself some shark fin soup!
With the recent shuttering of Seaworld, a lot of poor orcas are now out of work and looking for new ways to feed their families. Don’t let these graceful giants go hungry! As luck would have it, orcas are exceptionally good at preying on great whites. In fact, they’re really the shark’s only common predator and as such, they’re natural enemies. This is really a win-win, as the job pays for itself: You get protection from Jaws, and Shamu gets a meal, no monetary transaction required! You can normally find them floating around the local marina, looking for work. Just pick one up and go!
Okay, so you’ve bought the yacht, fired the doomsday cannon, racked the boomstickand unleashed the real-life sea-monster. Against all odds, you’re somehow still in the water and that shark is coming. Call me crazy, but if all that is the case, I’m guessing you disregarded the boating under the influence laws somewhere along the line. Nonetheless, I still have one final idea to pull you out the frying pan (though no promises on the fire).
The Freedom7, from Shark Shield, utilizes technology billed as “The world’s only scientifically proven electrical shark deterrent.” Though obviously nothing is 100 percent effective, this system comes pretty damn close. Worn like an ankle bracelet, the Freedom7 creates a three-dimensional electrical field that causes spasms in sharks’ sensitive electrical receptors. With a six-hour battery life, it's used and trusted by both the U.S. and Australian Navies. I would say this is about as close as you can get to a passive, constantly active shark repellent. Don’t expect it to repel crocs or anything else. though: This tech only works on sharks (even Great Whites) and stingrays.
Though the price is a little steep ($499), I’d gladly pay it to retain a limb or three. Even better, if you’re a resident of Western Australia, you get a $200 government rebate on the product, putting it well into the affordable range. Sounds like I’ll be grabbing a sixer of Carlton Draught and watching some old Steve Irwin reruns to tune up my accent this Friday…