OK, so we have a ResidentEvil, Highlanderand an AlienEDC kit all planned out for you, but now you need a kit for Camp Crystal Lake and protection against Jason Voorhees. It may be Friday the 13th today, but my first inclination is to counsel potential camp-counselor candidates to generally avoid sites where attendees are left to drown and killed by crazies. But hey, if we avoided areas rife with neglect, murder and crazy people, nobody could visit half the metro areas in the world, so here we go:
1. Keystone Sporting Arms Chipmunk Rifle Whatever Jason Voorhees’ politics are, he sure seems to hate guns. In all 12 iterations of the Friday the 13th series, which, frankly, was an exercise in repetitive mediocrity at best, Jason never even attempts to use a firearm. Well, good luck terrorizing outdoor-loving, gun-totin’ Americans with a few chintzy blades. The Chipmunk rifle from Keystone Sporting Arms is one of those classic camp rifles, used for decades by all-American Boy Scouts to learn the finer principles of precision marksmanship. Well, any rifle is better than no rifle, and this one can pull double-duty in bringing the skill and joy of marksmanship to responsible young ‘uns or dispatching blade-wielding pseudo-demons. I mean, isn’t that why everyone has a .22? No? Just me? Click here to join me.
2. Cold Steel Two-Handed Great Sword Rule one of any gun fight is “Bring enough gun,” but Jason’s near-invincibility might make optimal shot placement with the Chipmunk or any other firearm a no-go. Well, if Jason’s a blade guy, then let’s extrapolate that principle to the edged-weapon world and arm up with the Two-Handed Great Sword from Cold Steel. This sucker ain’t foolin’ around. With a nearly 40-inch blade made from high-quality carbon steel and weighing in at almost 7 pounds, this puts to shame any rusty, old lake machete carried by some tart in a mask. Plus, the Cold Steel blade is American-made. Jason doesn’t like guns, lives in a lake and fights human developments like some bleeding-heart environmentalist. I’d put money down that he’s carrying some cheap Chinese-made machete. Checkmate, loser.
3. Blade Runner Anti-Slash Scarf Technology has evolved quite a bit since 1980. We’ve got bulletproof clothes, bulletproof backpacks...and this fashionable little number from Blade Runner. See, these clever fellas incorporated a material called Dyneema into a regular-looking scarf designed to ward off Saul Hudson. (Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right...)
All right, I just checked the owner’s manual. What it actually does is prevent sharp blades from slicing through the fabric, so you can actually capture a blade with your neck wear! I’m waiting to hear back from Guns & Roses on whether or not their lead guitarist is officially triggered by this. Oh, and it might help against Jason or whatever.
4. Camillus M12 Bayonet I’m pretty sure this thing is banned by the Geneva Convention, so I got one. See? Try being anything other than an American and say that sentence. Sweet, sweet freedom.
All right, it’s confession time. I didn’t watch all of the Friday the 13th movies before embarking on this article, but I’m pretty sure subjecting an employee to that much suck for any period of time constitutes a violation of HR regulations. But the Friday the 13th Wiki says something about Jason being killed or at least maimed with some kind of knife. In the immortal words of another 1980s movie icon, “That’s not a knife. THAT’s a knife!”
5. Archie McPhee & Co. Horse Head Mask You wanna play the mask game, Jay Jay? I can play the mask game. See, Jason thinks he’s being all mysterious and terrifying with a hockey mask, but he’s such a try-hard. You know who wears hockey masks? Fat Canadian kids with overbearing mothers. Wow, I’m trembling in my Birkenstocks. The real terror comes when you’re staring down the cold, soulless eyes of one of these horse masks as its wearer whips out any of the above EDC items. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha, indeed.